The Edward II Sketches

(These comedy Sketches Have been inspired by Kathryn Warner’s wonderful Blog about the 14th Century Monarch. Click the links to read about the History that inspired them )

On Isabella Finding out that Edward II has sent their wedding presents back to his lover Piers Gaveston.

“You’ve done what?”
“I’ve sent the presents and your jewellery back to Piers…”
“You’ve GIVEN my stuff, er our stuff, to that bloody Piers bloody Gaveston?”
“Issy, darling, for safety, it will be better under lock and key here in the tower than in the open here in Boulogne, you know what these Frenchies are like.”
“And you know what Piers is like, I am damn sure he will be wearing my necklaces out as soon as he gets them. And there was some nice stuff I wanted in those presents… the men at arms that Norfolk sent us for instance. “
“eh, well, I am sure they will be safe with piers…”
“No they bloody won’t, one sight of a man in uniform and he loses his mind.”
“Oh, and you don’t?”
“er… that’s not the point, you had NO RIGHT to do that without consulting me.”
“Actually, I do have the right… It comes in the Name, K..I..N..G.. KING i.e. lord and master of this land and all within it, and that includes you…”
“oh Eddie, I love it when you are masterful….”

“Piers Darling, We’re home”
“aah, Eddie, Issy, muah muah, you simply MUST come up and see what I have done with the Tower….”
*Edward follows Piers up the Steps*
“Tadaaa .. well, what do you think?”
“Piers, It’s empty….”
“No, No, not empty, Minimalist.. See, look, removing all the nasty chains and racks lets in the light, perfect, well?”
“Piers, where the Presents, and the Jewellery I sent you?”
“Aah, who needs five toasting forks anyway, just look in here….”
“Piers, the Jewels. Where are the Jewels,  Issy is going to go spare, and this is going to make me look like John all over again. The jewels Piers?”
“These designers don’t come cheap you know.”
“Designers… you brought in a designer to do this, just to chuck out stuff all away? You PAID for someone to just chuck it all away??”
“Well, duh, what did you think, this was all my doing… and anyway, not everything, see, look I have kept those nice men at arms that were sent over from Normandy…”
“But Piers, the jewellery? “
“Oh, I thought you gave that to me as keepsies, I just wanted to surprise you Eddie” (sobs)
“There there Piers, It’s all right, and you are right, these are NICE men at arms…”
“But what about Isabella?”
“Aah, stuff Isabella, what about those men at arms….”

edward 2
On the Idea that Isabella was having an affair with William Wallace
“Oh Willie … “
“Oh Issy….”
(loud knocks at the door)
“Oh hell, who’s that?”
“Mr Wallace, It’s the police, open up.”
“Sigh, If it’s about the little trouble in Edinburgh I have been cleared of that….”
“Noo Mr Wallace, this is far more serious than that… Isabella here is only a child”
(Issy) “Oh poo”
“But..She’s MARRIED.. why aren’t you arresting her husband?”
“That Mr Wallace is Politics, and perfectly allowable. This is pedophilia, which is sick and disgusting.”
“Ha!” “Grabs his claymore and makes to charge the Policemen. “You can take my life, but you’ll never take MY FREEDOM”
“Actually, we can take your freedom, your nicked mate” (Puts handcuffs on William.”
(second Policeman) “Hold on sir, this is 1314, Mr Wallace has been dead for 4 years”
“You sure?”
“Yup, being hung, drawn and quartered is a bit tricky to recover from.”
“Oh, in that case, Mr Wallace, you are free to go. As for you, Isabella, I’m afraid I must arrest you for Necrophilia.”
(Issy) “It’s a fair cop”


 Management newspeak  (solving the Scottish problem)
Edward is pacing the room, nervously, Piers enters
OH Piers, I really don’t know what to do, it’s the Scots again,
“What? Do they want to be differently ruled again?”
“Well, they’re up in rebellion if that is what you mean.”
“Well, its simple really, you need to interface with them on a stakeholder level, let them see that you are willing to come to the table with a mission statement that firmly emphasis the procedural differences in Management styles. Let them be fully aware that you have the Human resources to support the main objective target here, and that your goal is to raise the bar when it comes to quality management of the various divisions with the corporation sire”
“You what?”
“Oh Edward, think outside the box for a moment.  You have some very strong management potential  amongst the ranks of up and comers, you need to weed out the dead wood,  and replace those who are not thinking along the lines of the overall mission statement with those that can add real value to the way forward, as set out in your  manifesto . “
“Piers, I still haven’t the foggiest what you are talking about.”
“Core values sire,  total integration of the various hubs of your network, ensuring  that your long-term strategic goals remain unchallenged, that you have a focused core team, heading in the same direction.”
“You mean…. To York?”
“No sire I mean…. Find those Lairds loyal to you, and get them to turn on the others, it always works with the Scots. “
“Piers, the rumours may be true after all, you mother was a witch and trained you in the black arts. This words you speak sound like magic, bad magic at that.”
“Sire, I prefer to think of her as a free thinking differently sighted non team player who was downsized in line with the management structure requiring a commonality of goals, and in line with the overall target sire. The use of fire was deemed as the most economically efficient way  of effecting such a downsize operation.”
“Well, it was bloody cold that year, nothing like a good fire to warm a town sire”

Piers Gaveston

Edward and Isabella go to Couples Therapy, session 1.

(Psychiatrist) “Aah, Mr and Mrs Second. Welcome to Couples Therapy. Now, I understand that you have been having a few Problems, well,  I like to see this place as a safe space, where you can talk them through,  I find that often it is communication that is at the heart of marital Issues. Edward, you first. Anything you would like to share?”
(Edward) “Well,  Isabella had my best friend Disembowelled and castrated, for no apparent reason. No, wait, spite. It was out of spite and jealousy.”
(Isabella) “Best Friend? Gay Lover more like. How would you feel If I started up a torrid affair with Mags Despenser? Showered her with Gifts?”  (Looks at Edward who has a far away look in his eyes) “Edward…. EDWARD”
(Edward) “Eh, what? Sorry dear, I got lost after you said about you and Mags in the shower. Any way what about your relationship ship with Mr Hetro Manliness Wodge eh?”
(Isabella) “See, this is what you always do, Bring it back to Edward the victim again, it is never about you, is it. (Turns to Psychiatrist) See, this is what I have to put up with.”
(Psychiatrist) “Eh, what, sorry, just er, picturing the Shower scene, get the picture in my mind. Ahem. (Isabella sighs, looking to the ceiling) Sorry, so Isabella, what about this thing you have with this Wodge Character?  Isn’t that as bad?”
(Isabella) “That is different, firstly, unlike Edward here, his is all man, and I mean ALL man. Secondly, Unlike Mr Pathetic  here, he doesn’t waste his time ‘swimming’ with common menfolk, He has ambition, he is going places….”
(Edward) “Ambition? HUH treachery more like.”
(Isabella) “At least it is ambition, and at least he has the Balls to do something.  Unlike you, you pathetic little worm”
(Edward) “See, there is her pet name for me, you love me really don’t you, pussycat”
(Isabella) “Well, I suppose” (they embrace)
Psychiatrist “Well, time is up for this week, Same time next week? (they nod) Great. (They walk out) Aaah, Mr Eighth, I am glad you kept your appointment. I understand you are getting married again? She we see if this one can be long-lasting without ending in either messy beheading, or causing a bloody split from a religious authority that will have lasting, and fiery consequences for England for Centuries shall we?” 


On the Court Case following Hugh Despenser’s seizure of Tonbridge Castle in 1315

(JUDGE) “Thank you. Now, this court is in session to examine the events leading to Hugh Depenser’s seizure of Tonbridge Castle. Firstly, I shall discuss the events leading up to this reprehensible act, and then we shall decide just how naughty he was. Clear? Good.
Now, Events, as I understand them, were set in motion by the sad death of Gloucester at Bannockburn, dividing his estate up between his sisters, Margaret, Eleanor and Elizabeth…”
(Maurice Berkley) “Whoa, hold on, did you say Elizabeth? (Judge nods). The cute, young  shexi Lizzy? (Again judge nods) Bugger, I thought they said ISABEL that is the only reason I married the wrinkled old baggage”
(Isabel) “You bastard”
(Maurice) “I don’t suppose there is any chance of an annulment is there? (The Pope shakes his head, laughing) oh… well bugger it.”
(Pope) “In yo face Berkley (Air pumps)”
(Judge) Now, can we get back to the matter in hand? Good. Right, as I was saying, this division was delayed because of His widow, Maud’s apparent Pregnancy…”
(Maud) “Apparent!  I have you know I AM pregnant with my beloved Gilly’s son. “
(Judge) “My dear, it has been 18 months …..”
(Maud) “So, he is just a late developer. No need to label him, you .. you…. “
(Judge) “My dear, you are NOT an elephant…”
(Maud ) “Oi, you calling me fat! I’m pregnant you fool”
(Judge) “(Sighs.) I was merely referring to the elephant’s gestation period, which, at two years, is the longest of any land dwelling mammal, but,If you say so my dear.”
(Pope) “In yo face BIATCH (airpumps) “
(Judge)  (turns to Usher, whispers) are this lot all related? First cousins or something. They are all a bunch of fruitloops,  (back to court) Right, so, these are the events leading up to the naughty Mr Despenser’s Heinous seizing of Tonbridge Castle, not that I am trying to prejudice this court’s views of the incorrigible little bastard  in any way,, of course. Right, Mr Dispenser, Why DID you seize the castle ? “
(Hugh) “Well, M’lud, It was like this, me and the lads were out for a session on Saturday night, you know, a few beers, a Strip joint, a greasy Kebab, that sort of thing. (Court nods) and, well, It is a typical Saturday night thing isn’t it? So plastered you can’t remember where you live, end up in the wrong castle, a mistake anyone could make really.”
(Judge) hmm, yes, I see. So, why, then, Did it take you THREE DAYS to realize your mistake?”
(Hugh) “Well, we were still in the zone, y’know. I mean, the castle was well stocked with ale and Wine, so we carried on, had a bit of a party. “
(Judge) “For THREE DAYS! Humph, why do I never get invited to parties like that?”
(Hugh) “well, Not three days, we spent the whole of Monday sleeping it off. When we woke, that is when we realized what we had done, so we left. Rather quickly. Beer goggles M’lud. That is what it was, Beer goggles.”
(Judge) “Beer goggles? “
(Hugh) “Yes, you know, Beer goggles. Like Maurice Here, gets drunks, confuses the wrinkled harridan Isabel for the Shexi Lizzie, and realizes his mistake when he sobers up in the courtroom…”
(Maurice) “You Bastard”
(Pope) “In yo face Berkley (airpumps)
(Hugh) “Or like The Royal Justices,  So pissed, they think Maud is pregnant and not some fat lardass with an addiction to cake”
(Maud) “You bastard”
(Pope) “In yo face BIATCH! (airpumps)”
(Hugh) “And so it was with me. I was that pissed up, I thought Tonbridge was the best place in the world, then, when I sobered up, I realized my mistake. The Veil of loveliness had been drawn back, to reveal the shithole it really is.”
(The People of Tonbridge) “You bastard”
(Pope)”In yo face Tonbridge (Airpumps)”
(Judge) “I see. BUT one thing still eludes me, Why, when the Policeman arrested you leaving the castle, why did you say you seized it for The King?”
(Hugh) “Well, I did, I didn’t want it to fall into the wrong hands.”
(Judge) “Wrong  hands? Whose?”
(Hugh) “Well, Maud’s for a start, she had her little piggy eyes on the place since Gloucester’s sad, untimely passing.”
(Maud) “oooh, you Liar. I was nowhere near it at the time,  It’s the pregnancy. You can’t move about much when you are (counts on her fingers).  Twelve Months pregnant.  (court Stares at her) It’s true, It’s true. I have a letter from the Royal Justices to prove it. See. (Read’s Letter) ‘This is to certify that Maud, Widow of Gloucester is, in fact pregnant by her late Husband, having been properly examined, and NOT because she threatened to eat all of our cake if we didn’t sign it. Honest.” (Looks back at the court. See, so there.”
(Hugh)  “Er, well, Ok, Ok, it’s a fair cop. I have tried everything to get Edward to notice me, marrying his niece, giving him Gifts, All to know avail. I thought that If I secured the castle for him, he would finally notice my Rugged good looks and Fine Hetro Manliness.”
(Wodge) “Oi, That’s MY line”
(Judge) “Hmm, so, let me get this right, you seized a castle he owns, in order to restore it to him, to prove what a faithful and loyal servant you are, (Hugh nods) And you didn’t think for one moment that he would notice the fact that he already owns the castle in the first place, well, until the Gloucester’s estate is sorted anyway. “
(Hugh) “I didn’t think he would notice. I mean, he has so many he must lose count.”
(Edward, in his Royal palace.) (fifty eight, fifty nine…. Issy pussycat, do we own Ludlow?”
(Isabella) “No dear, that is Wodge’s,  It is far too full of Hetro manliness to be one of yours dear.”
(Edward) “Is there something going on between you?”
(Isabella) “Hmm, no, no, of course not. His hetro manliness, good looks, dashing military planning and AMAZING foreplay are not match for your….your… well, you.”
(Edward) ”Aah, no problem love. Bugger lost count, one, two, three…”
(Judge)  “hmm, and this has nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that you owe £2,000 to a Mr Giffard?”
(Hugh) “er, no, no, absolutely not”
(Judge) “So, why was the Castle on the market on Sunday for the Exact sum of £2,000? coincidence?”
(Hugh) “Bugger”
(Pope) “in yo face Hugh (airpumps.)”
Judge. “Er, Your Holiness, why are you talking in that Faux Ghetto speech?”
(Pope) “well, I though after that whole, stupid, Templar misunderstanding,  I needed a change of Image, you know, get down wid de brothers.”
(Judge) “Right, so you change your image to reflect the murderous Drug fuelled Gang culture of the inner city to gloss over the murderous Money Fuelled gang image of Avignon, am I right?”
(pope) “You bastard”
(Whole Court) “In yo face Pope (airpumnps)”
(Judge) well, Mr Despenser,  all that  is left for me is to ‘Despense” Justice. Hahaha, see what I did, I punned… erm, right, well, though you are very naughty, this court accepts the mitigating circumstances, and the wonderful letter written by your wife, Eleanor,  In which she describes the stress you have been under ever since the death of Gloucester ,the threats upon my person if I find you guilty, and the offer of a quickie behind the courthouse if I find you innocent, and, indeed, I will let you off. Case dismissed.


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